I Peter 1:6-9

"you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested GENUINENESS of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

going on 2 years, my major fear has been: what happens now?

mom's cancer is what originally tied me to Christ, it made me see God clearly, as clearly as i could see him with human eyes. it made me fear him the way i should have all along. why would her death make me doubt him now?

is he not the same God? does he not love and protect me the same? i couldn't be angry with him for taking her, when without him i could never have had her, never had appreciated her- without the God who gave me everything, i would've had nothing. how could i begin to blame him for taking back what was his originally, and only mine for a short time?

but i have a fear now- a real fear for myself where once i had faith. faith that was genuine, but i'm scared now. if i get over this, if i can move on and be whole again, trust him like i did, like i should- what happens when i lose dad, or allison? how do i survive THAT? when losing mom has almost killed me?

i could see it coming before, God gave us time, it wasn't enough...there's never ENOUGH. but i had mustered up every ounce of courage i had to be able to bear it--and losing her ripped me apart--I have nothing left, and still so much further to go. how do i move into the future, not knowing what it might hold, what he has planned? what happens when the next trial comes and i'm not 'ready', and i'm already vulnerable and scared and torn wide open- exposed. how do i hold together what has already been destroyed?

if this is just a chapter of my life, and it's time to turn the page, that's what scares me the most. it's like what Paul said, death would be easy, prefered. because i'd be with God now, i could bear that. to die would be gain when i feel this earth holds nothing for me. but he left me here and i must live, even when moving forward seems unfathomable...when every breath burns.

...how do i move on?

when i am faithless he is faithful, he won't let me go. i keep relying on my own strength to hold on to him, if my life, my soul is dependent on my grip on God, i'm doomed. praise the Lord his grip is unbreakable. for when i'm at my lowest his strength never falters. there is no good thing in me but in him lies all the strength and faith and hope and wisdom and righteousness that i could ever need--through him i have my being and through me he works his plan. i cannot stand but he holds me up, i cannot move but he guides me. be still my soul. my God watches over me with eyes that never sleep and he is faithful i don't need to fear.

i will move forward now, one day at a time, with only enough faith to know that when i have nothing in me- i have HIM, and he has EVERYTHING. Praise be to God!

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is INEXPRESSIBLE and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your FAITH: the salvation of your souls."