renovations

i am a work in progress.

it's like a house during a remodel. if you've ever been inside a house when it was undergoing a massive overhaul, you can picture this well. but you don't really have a glimpse of the frustration of the mess of a remodel UNTIL you have had to live in it. at first, there are a few things you'd like to change, then you start pulling a few things out and switching some other things around and you un-earth some more problems that need fixing, then your contractor comes up with a brilliant idea ("picture this" kind of thing)...a couple months later, the ok house you started out with is now a complete disaster area surrounded by yellow tape and there are cranes and a forklift in the front yard and the plumbing doesn't work and there's a wall missing, and you're thinking "what the heck happened?", "what if they can't fix it all?", "what if it doesn't get finished or doesn't turn out right?"

this is my life right now. i'm standing here looking at this huge mess and asking "why God? what are you doing to me?"
He's gutting me, and ripping things out and moving things around and i'm saying "no, put that back, i liked it there!" and "why are you messing with that? it's fine!" and i don't know how it's all going to work out and i'm scared. where is He taking me? what is He doing? what is His plan? i thought i was doing ok and there were just a few things that needed tweaking and NOW- i'm a mess, and my life is a battlefield, and i can't live in it anymore!

but is this not the God who promised me that He loved me more than anything else, loves me with a never-ending love? does He not see me exactly as i am- and His picture of me is the right picture (not distorted- but real, true, gritty and gross- just as i am)?

does He not promise that He will carry every good work in my life out to completion? He won't start a process and not finish it. He won't begin to refine me and leave me before i'm done.

God is the Divine Architect and Master Builder of my life. but He has promised me (in a contract that He cannot default on) that He will finish the job in me. He will never walk away from my work site. i serve a God who knows no lunch break.

some will cringe when i say that because it sounds like i'm comparing the God of the universe to a blue-collar worker- BUT don't i already do that, every time i question what He's doing in my life!? i question His integrity because Satan tries to convince me that God is no better than a Union employee (who can and will walk off the job without warning if and when he feels like it)

THAT IS NOT GOD.

God NEVER leaves me or forsakes me.

He is the Potter and i am the clay. His way is perfect. who am i to question Him? He has begun a good work in me and i am (once again) fighting Him! i am standing in the middle of the massive overhaul that is my life and telling the Master of the Universe to "put this here" and "leave that alone" and it is not my life to direct, not my prerogative to say. i have no wisdom of my own- all that i have is only what He, in His benevolence, gives me. when He has tried and tested and finished his work in my life, i will come forth as gold. and this house- that is a disaster right now, has not been abandoned. but the Master Builder, who works everything out on His perfect blue print and according to His perfect time-table, will finish this house and it will be something beautiful. so much better than it was before, and i will look at it and see everything that is perfect in it and look back and be ashamed when i see how i would have done it differently had i had the chance and how much WORSE it would have been by comparison. and i will see that He really did know what He was doing all along and i will curse my impatience with Him. because i tried to rush the hand of the Divine Architect building a MASTERPIECE.

so let me never forget- even though i will forget, but i shouldn't and woe to me for being so fickle, that God could show me this revelation and i not learn it by heart and adopt it, so that the next time i struggle i remember- God is good all the time, and He knows what He's doing. but i can say this, knowing it to be true, having seen Him at work in my life, writing it down for others to adopt and follow- and turn around an live my life with the doubts that come from one who is NOT trusting, not even close!

"i waited patiently till dawn,
but like a lion He broke all my bones;
day and night You made an end of me.
i cried like a swift or thrush,
i moaned like a mourning dove.
my eyes grew weak as i looked to the heavens.
i am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!
But what can i say?
He has spoken to me, and He himself has done this.
i will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.
Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health and let me live.
Surely it was for MY BENEFIT that i suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept mefrom the pit of destruction;
You have put all my sins behind Your back."
Isaiah 38:13-17

"Who am I, that the Lord of all the Earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? Who am I, that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way for my ever-wandering heart? Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done! Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are! I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed on the ocean, a vapor in the wind. STILL, You hear me when i'm calling, Lord, You catch me when I'm falling. You've told me who I am--I am YOURS." --Casting Crowns