no regrets

it's very easy for me to look at life, every friendship, relationship, circumstance and situation and point out exactly what i would've liked to have gone differently. just like, it's all too simple for me, while laying in bed at night listening to my roommate talk with her boyfriend on the phone, to feel slightly left out, and put off and think "why not me?" or "when's my turn?"

especially with relationships or (in my case) would-have-been relationships, this is the area of my thought-life in which i fail the most to be content with what God has for me. it's funny, i don't even know what i want, but i'm upset with God for not giving it to me- right now.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about you life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying, can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was not dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:25-33

when i look at my friendships, i can step outside my thoughts and see exactly how He, in his infinite wisdom has worked everything out in His perfect design for my life. and i could say i wish i still talked to this person and i wish that thing had never happened, but it did happen, and you lose touch with people over the course of time, and some people leave suddenly- and it's not always someone's fault, and the more i pray for God to give me peace to accept what i cannot help, the more He teaches me that He orchestrates every mistake, every remark, action and reaction (even the negative ones) to bring about what He has for me. so while part of me is still trying to find the reason that the friendship or relationship is over and will never again be what it was (or what i wanted it to become), the other part of me can see God saying "this is how it is, and should be."

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30a

why do i box with God concerning His plans for my life, when i can only see me, and so much of my life is not about me?

and i make these irrational plans for myself, based on what i'm feeling with my finite little heart, and the God from Psalm 139, who created me, and knew me before i was anything, and planned out every day of my life, from the first second i was created to the last moment of my existence and everything in between that i can't even comprehend, and i'm angry with Him for it!

i hate Him, and i argue with Him, and i fight against Him with every fiber of my being. and i say to Him, "i won't read your Word today." (the Word you gave me to promise me that you loved me, so that on days like these i wouldn't be discouraged) but i like the discouragement i feel, and i crave it, because it makes me feel powerful, even if the only power i have is to cause myself more pain. and i'm afraid and alone, and i compare myself to other people, and pretend that He loves them more than He loves me. and i lash out at Him (my Rock, my Strength, my Fortress, my High Tower, my Redeemer, my King, and the best Friend i will ever have) because i want friendships/relationships that cannot even compare to Him, and i want them just the same- maybe because they represent to me, something apart from Him, and that is tantalizing to me.

Oh what a wretched soul i am, that i can see the glory of His face, know the peace that comes when i walk with Him, and feel the joy that floods my soul when i accept the contentment that He offers me, and reject Him, and by rejecting Him i reject IT (the truth that i don't have to be afraid or depressed or angry in this life, this life that i have to live apart from Him until He comes to take me away to the real life i was intended for).

AND SO MY BIGGEST REGRET becomes all the regrets i have- that i shouldn't have.

Because regret is simply: all the negative feelings i have in response to all the positive things God has done in my life.

How stupid, petty, naive am i, that i should choose to be angry with my Father for holding me back from placing my hand on a hot stove? and then how ungrateful and melancholy it makes me to see the stove (knowing it's hot) and abuse my Father for saving me from it, for refusing me something that in my impotence i wanted, and in my ignorance i still desire?

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Luke 11:11-13