lifehouse, life & change

"The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I’m an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing

With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
(I’m still holdin on) (I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

I’m hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’)(I’m holdin’ on)(I’m still holdin’) (I’m holdin’ on) (I’m still holdin’)
Barely holding on to you (I’m still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you"

this song is called 'Broken' its from Lifehouse. when i heard this song earlier today- perfectly encapsulating how i felt at that moment...there's something comforting about sad music, and you'd think it would be the other way around.

i haven't posted in awhile. the lure of online journals is being about to speak out about the most personal subjects, without ever having to face a live audience. it's a tempting prospect until you begin regurgitating the intensely personal topics you never wanted displayed for public perusal. but there you have it- we broadcast our private thoughts in spite of ourselves. which really only goes to show how horribly lonely we all are. not bad enough that we spend late night hours browsing pointless websites on the internet, but we must contribute something to the meaninglessness that can only be read by people we don't know and will never meet, and some unfortunate few who we do know and can only pity us. when that was never the point at all. which begs the question what is the point? but maybe we like that there isn't one. like complaining about a bad day- we don't want anyone to fix it, only to know that it was bad, and hope that tomorrow is better. it's enough to know that it's out there- to know that someone knew.

i'm sitting in the apartment freezing. i could close the window, but i need the air. so instead of taking action against the cold i just sit on my feet. on my way home from work i was thinking about life. wondering how many people have tried to define it. i think that everything that anyone has ever said about life is true- even those statements which would seem to contradict each other. life is hard, life is sweet. life is unpredictable, life is the same thing over and over. life is too short, i think this one is only contradicted by the assertion that life is hard, if life is hard why would we mind it being short? so on and so forth.

i think life is undefinable. there is no point to trying. you could do the same thing everyday of your life from now until the day you die, and looking back on it you will have had a billion different experiences and emotions along the way. we take it all so seriously, i know i do. i'm thinking about stopping- because it doesn't get me anywhere. i expend so much time an energy thinking about living it takes so much away from it. i'm 24 years old, and it feels like i've been 3 different people during my life. the years and experiences change you, for the better, for the worse, and sometimes it's just different. i have no strong feelings about changing any more, change occurs- whether i welcome it or not, it will happen and keep happening. i love the line "change is a constant" the only thing you can count on- that time will take what you love, change what you knew, and keep throwing new things down for you. i wish i was good at adapting...a life skill i have yet to master. i AM getting to the point where it doesn't affect me as much. not to say i'm apathetic, but less emotional about it. it sucks, but there it is. and we move on to the next thing. i'm sitting in a studio apartment in st. petersburg florida writing about 'change'...how ironic. everything changes.