prelude

my mom has cancer. in 1998, she was lying in bed talking to my older sister when she found a lump on her right breast. a couple weeks later my dad brought her home from the doctor's office- that was the first time i heard the word "cancer" spoken in our home when we weren't talking about someone else. it was personal then.

living with cancer in your home is an interesting proposition. i think back on myself then, and i don't recognize that person. cancer pushes your boundaries in every way possible. the sensitive person you may have started out with vanishes within the first year. he/she is replaced with a tough outer shell of what you once were. like a nut with no meat. needles, blood, bodily fluid, vomit- disgusting takes on a littany of everyday forms that pass before your eyes and nothing bothers you after awhile. the first time i walked into a clinic with mom for chemotherapy, i looked around and saw all these "patients" obviously sick people, mostly older, in wheel chairs, without hair, wrapped in blankets hooked up to IV poles and staring dully at the ceiling or tile or us. mom wasn't one of these people. what a stark difference from a month ago when i wheeled mom into the same clinic, seemingly same faces and realized we had arrived. we were one.

nine years happen. that's all, they just go by. makes you wish you had counted up how many bouquets of flowers one houshold could get in a decade. it's a different feeling from '98, i was in high school then, now i'm graduating college. and as a kid with a parent with cancer- you plan the funeral a million times over in your head, you just can't help it. no telling how many times one person can die in a year...multiply that by however many years your parent has survived and you get an equation for our lives. the life of any child who has to wonder what their wedding day will be like without their mother there, or how they'll find their first car, first job and first apartment without dad. if you've never had to wonder you would never understand. and once you've been there, you never forget.

every phone call i get from home, i wonder if today isn't the day. and every time that thought brings with it pain and some form of relief. because that one big pain would possibly bring an end to perpetual pain- the pain of a life lived between MRI's. and that's a good thought for me. it's hope for us all. because we speak of cures and treatments, but we have no faith, no assurance they will work, if they even exist at all. i run the Race for the Cure every year- but not because i think the money collected will fund some type of miracle drug that could help my mother in her lifetime, but because i get to see about a million daughters just like me, holding pictures of their mothers just like i am- and missing them. i run purely for the sense of solidarity i find in a flood of pink t-shirts and tennis shoes, and because my mom always had fun doing it too, when she could, when her health wasn't so bad.

if that before was a prelude to everything else that will come after (whatever that may be) now i come to my point:
at the end of the day, the only thing that keeps me sane, is the knowledge that there is a purpose in all this seeming madness. in the midst of one pain piled up on top of another and flipped around upside down with no end or reason in sight- the hope i have is found in Christ.

i know he has a purpose for me and my mom. in his perfect love, he wants what is best for me, in his perfect wisdom he knows what is best for my life, and in his sovereign power he has the strength to carry it out.

"Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments and his paths beyond tracing out? Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things." Romans 11:33-36

and i wish i could tell you that i always handle things well, that i never give up, that i never doubt, never fall apart, never lose hope...but that would be a lie. and lies have done nothing for the greater good of mankind, lies can only bury the bad, they have no power to cure it. and instead of sitting here and pouring a bottle of perfume on top of a pile of poo...i'm just going to be honest. because honesty and truth are the best and only things i have to offer anyone.
the truth is it hurts. my faith in Christ is not a "Get out of Suffering" free-card. Anyone who tells you their god, religion or faith has the answer to life's pain is trying to sell you a load of bull. But they will try nonetheless because the fact is that pain makes people desperate, and desperate hurting people are most often the most gullible in the room. Because there's always going to be someone out there hurting, hurting so deeply it's hard to get out of the bed in the morning. And there are people who will take advantage of your suffering and tell you- you shouldn't have to suffer. They'll say life shouldn't be this hard, and everything will come up roses and bad things shouldn't happen to good people. But the Bible tells me that my God is a God of not just the hills, but also the valleys. I Kings 20:28

He does not promise me an easy life:

"...and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disiplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our
fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disiplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:1b-11

But he does promise grace and strength to get me through the inevitable hard times in my life:

"For we do not have a high priest [God] who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the thrown of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

In closing my first post- which is inevitably the longest. i just want to say that this is not meant to be a discipleship site for those who do not already believe in Jesus Christ, but rather, it is meant to encourage the body of Christ, just as others in the body have encouraged me, and continue to encourage me. There is not a day goes by that i do not feel the need for encouragement from fellow believers. If you have questions or comments or encouragement that you have received that you would like to share, Please email me, or post a comment so that you can share them with others and in that way perpetuate the strengthening and edifying work of Christ. Until then,