Adverse Circumstances

IF- Rudyard Kipling

2010-04-07T16:47:00.000-04:00

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Hope

2009-10-21T00:20:00.003-04:00

Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the tune without the words
and never stops at all...
-Emily Dickinson

Yeats

2009-10-05T13:59:00.000-04:00

When you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

were i to usurp the will of God...

2008-11-23T13:35:00.007-05:00

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead...For our boast is this: the testimony of our conscience that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God."
-2 Corinthians 1:8b-9, 12)

learning how to die daily...i wonder if Paul was ever able to master that. i can't imagine it's possible. because no matter how good intentioned we are, how sacrificial we may be, how dedicated we are to live for Christ, we are still human, sinful, selfish creatures.

i will always think of my life in terms of what i want, what i need, what i think would be good for me and for those whose lives i value as much as my own...MY friends, MY family. i am a selfish creature, my foremost concern is my happiness, my well-being, my plans for my future. i am a selfish being. i am a sinner.

dying to myself means allowing God to strip me of any illusions i had, and plans i had for my life. dying to myself means silently watching the mental image of how my life would be, implode. dying to myself means not interfering. dying to myself means letting go of the reigns.

control is an illusion. i never had control to begin with. if i could have kept mom from dying i would have. but it was beyond me. that decision was not mine to make. and those weeks leading up to the inevitability of that outcome were some of the most pathetic of my existence. life is not a car, it is a train. we are trains on a track, we cannot get off, we cannot shift our direction. it is fixed. we do not have control over our lives any more than we can control the weather. we cannot change the future any more than we can change the past.

i'm not arguing free will. i believe we have it. i believe what we choose matters. but i don't think it changes the outcome, i believe it changes the attitude. i lost my mom, God took her. and he was going to take her no matter what i said or thought or decided. he took her and i could let her go kicking and screaming or simply surrendering. the outcome did not change, either way she was gone, but my attitude changed, my outlook was affected.

the visual image of my life changed that day. the dreams i had, the memories i looked forward to, died with her. life goes on, i may get married, i may have children, but she will not be there. and the way i thought it was going to be doesn't exist anymore for me. it will never happen that way, my way. the wedding i wanted, the holidays i had planned, however indistinctly. God changed it. my plans are pointless. because God is planning what he wants for me.

dying to myself, means letting go of every mental image i had of my future...job, husband, family, ministry. dying to myself means laying down the desire for what i want. dying means letting my life go in order to live the life God has for me.

and when my spirit is crushed. when i am broken, i die to myself. when i see that person that i was sure God had for me marry someone else, and that mental picture implodes once more, i die to myself. when the ministry i thought God had for me suddenly shuts its door, when God chooses a different path for me than the one i had been preparing for, i die to myself.

dying to myself means having faith in what God has for me. wanting his future however unknown that might be, over what i had pictured for myself. i never realized i'd be forced to give up things that weren't inherently bad. what's so wrong with wanting someone, with imagining how your life would be with them? there was nothing evil about my plan for my life, but it was MY plan. i had to let it go and die again.

so every day, i see something i want and i don't fight for it. i let it go knowing that if it's what God wants, he will obtain it for me. i see events unfolding and i pray 'not my will but yours be done' because i don't know what the end will be. i am an instrument. i cannot play myself. i do not belong to myself. i am God's.

"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, TO SHOW THAT THE SURPASSING POWER BELONGS TO GOD AND NOT TO US. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed, perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:5-11, 16-18)

I Peter 1:6-9

2008-11-02T22:09:00.001-05:00

"you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested GENUINENESS of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

going on 2 years, my major fear has been: what happens now?

mom's cancer is what originally tied me to Christ, it made me see God clearly, as clearly as i could see him with human eyes. it made me fear him the way i should have all along. why would her death make me doubt him now?

is he not the same God? does he not love and protect me the same? i couldn't be angry with him for taking her, when without him i could never have had her, never had appreciated her- without the God who gave me everything, i would've had nothing. how could i begin to blame him for taking back what was his originally, and only mine for a short time?

but i have a fear now- a real fear for myself where once i had faith. faith that was genuine, but i'm scared now. if i get over this, if i can move on and be whole again, trust him like i did, like i should- what happens when i lose dad, or allison? how do i survive THAT? when losing mom has almost killed me?

i could see it coming before, God gave us time, it wasn't enough...there's never ENOUGH. but i had mustered up every ounce of courage i had to be able to bear it--and losing her ripped me apart--I have nothing left, and still so much further to go. how do i move into the future, not knowing what it might hold, what he has planned? what happens when the next trial comes and i'm not 'ready', and i'm already vulnerable and scared and torn wide open- exposed. how do i hold together what has already been destroyed?

if this is just a chapter of my life, and it's time to turn the page, that's what scares me the most. it's like what Paul said, death would be easy, prefered. because i'd be with God now, i could bear that. to die would be gain when i feel this earth holds nothing for me. but he left me here and i must live, even when moving forward seems unfathomable...when every breath burns.

...how do i move on?

when i am faithless he is faithful, he won't let me go. i keep relying on my own strength to hold on to him, if my life, my soul is dependent on my grip on God, i'm doomed. praise the Lord his grip is unbreakable. for when i'm at my lowest his strength never falters. there is no good thing in me but in him lies all the strength and faith and hope and wisdom and righteousness that i could ever need--through him i have my being and through me he works his plan. i cannot stand but he holds me up, i cannot move but he guides me. be still my soul. my God watches over me with eyes that never sleep and he is faithful i don't need to fear.

i will move forward now, one day at a time, with only enough faith to know that when i have nothing in me- i have HIM, and he has EVERYTHING. Praise be to God!

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is INEXPRESSIBLE and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your FAITH: the salvation of your souls."

top 10

2008-02-01T00:39:00.000-05:00

COUNTDOWN OF THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I LEARNED IN 2007:

10. A bachelors degree does not guarantee you a job. it WILL guarantee that you will have no money, AND poor credit history. but it will NOT guarantee you a job.

9. NEVER agree to go out on a date with your hairstylist...not only will it go badly, (which it can't help but do) but when its over, you'll have to find yourself a new stylist...and quite possibly, a new salon.

8. There is no such thing as an expendable income. it is a figment of donald trump's imagination. normal people DO NOT jet-set. normal people DO NOT buy clothes or eat out. normal people DO NOT get coffee at starbucks. starbucks is for rich people. normal people, like new college graduates with rent to pay, realize that for the cost of ONE grande frappaccino, one could buy enough coffee to last them a month. for this reason: NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT BUY GRANDE FRAPPACCINOS.

7. Living by oneself is NOT for the faint of heart. near-death experiences tend to occur alarmingly often, especially since there is no one to question, whether you really want to try the mind-numblingly stupid thing, you ARE obviously about to try.

6. Chocolate should be tax-free. because like bread and milk, chocolate is a necessity of life.

5. Financial independence is a misleading term. one tends to overlook the "financial" and see only the "independence." 'Financial Independence' is really the name of the incredibly large man who sits on your chest to keep you from breathing easily ever again.
for this reason, anyone who tells you to enjoy your adolescence, obviously knows something you don't. LISTEN TO THEM.

4. GOOD college friends are the ones who keep in touch when you move 4 states away,
GREAT college friends are the ones who hang out with you, when you move 4 states back again.

3. Grocery shopping is a tricky expense. initially, you might think that the cheapest option is to NOT buy food, or at least, to buy very little of it. however, while this will save you in one area, it will cost you down the road: when you find yourself having to replace all of your jeans. since the cost of the second expense might exceed the savings of the first, your options should be considered accordingly.

2. The small u-haul that says it rents for $19.95 is lying. u-haul is a liar. moving is expensive. living is expensive. its cheaper to stay where you are and stop living.

1. Life is full of bumps. the bumps hurt. but fortunately (eventhough at times it might seem unfortunate) life goes on. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS: when the bottom falls out, you will not fall through. you take the leap, and find the courage as you fall. and somehow, against all odds, you WILL live through this.

afterall, you have no choice...someone has to pay the rent when you're gone. ;)

c'est la vie

2008-01-28T00:09:00.000-05:00

"if i said in part
i lied in whole
there are things that can never mend
the hurt that burns inside my mind
and you ask me to fall into
arms that cannot hold
with words that are meant to heal the wounds
of another's wounded soul
and there are messages left
inside my door that cannot see the light
the bird caged longing to be free
a dream that will never take flight
and i have to believe that He meant it for me
that He chose this path knowing what it would mean
that i'm standing here alone it seems
but not alone, no, not alone.
and so i'm holding back the tears building
from what has been brewing in my mind
the truth you'll never find
because these rules we bind ourselves to
and even when our tongues come unglued
they hold us to the oath we shared
before we knew we'd ever care
and i'm falling apart alone, in the dark
but it's not alone, i'm not alone.
i've fallen into the silent spaces
that i led you, hoping you would catch
the red thread that ran through the blue
without me trying to bleed out what was dying
and without me ever saying-
what i didn't know was lying.
because you're asking me to lean into
a hole that goes down farther than
the hurt that feels it might not mend
and never ends when it adds on further misery
the questioning that can't release
the fear that one day this will cease
and you'll be gone,
never knowing what i would've done to keep you here.
but our hearts hold dear to the rules we drew
before we ever knew where it might one day lead us to
and then leave us there
where we weren't aware of what we left behind.
and now the truth is blind and numb
to the lies i told when i wasn't speaking at all.
and the fear i might fall into you
when all the while you were never there at all
were you?"

someday, hopefully a very long time from now, i will die. and some well intentioned person will turn on my computer, and stumble upon hundreds of little poems (if you could call them that) that i have written over the years. i don't have hundreds yet, but there are many. at the rate i'm going, there will be LOTS. what can i say? writing makes me feel better. and for a person who can never think of what she wants to say in the moment she needs to say it- it is crucial. when verbal communication fails you, and you're left with tormenting thoughts rattling in your head- the only cure for it, is writing really sad lines that sometimes rhyme, sometimes have meter- and if they manage to succeed at one, they fail at the other :) but it's my coping mechanism, and when i'm dead and the world sees them...or at least my family and some poor unfortunate friends, i'll be long gone without the potential of embarrassment.
it's the one comforting thought that keeps me from deleting the most pitiful and pathetic ravings that occasionally manage to make it into word documents.
i'm sharing this one though. i'm sharing it now, so that i have my opportunity to explain. authors and amateurs are constantly being interpreted (and i can't help but think the public must sometimes do it poorly). this 'poem' (again using the term loosely) was not written in bitterness. i think the most beautiful part of life is the bad situations that you can't help but happen upon, circumstances that reveal themselves in such a way that there is only one course of action. times when your best intention is the worst error, and you find yourself looking back, wishing you could change it, thinking you'd give anything to go back, all the while knowing, it was outside your control. i think helplessness is the most triumphant feeling at these times. at least when i'm helpless, i can surrender to fate and say 'i'm out my depth'
i have no desire now, to change what i cannot fix. what is the point of repeating something when you know it can only go one way? i don't need to describe the specific situation for you- odds are, you know it already all too well. you've been there before. maybe maturity gives us the courage to look forward when our past is painful. to somehow manage to include people in our lives who have hurt us deeply. knowing that on the other side of every rotten situation, there stands another helpless person who is a victim of time and circumstance. i do not attempt to blanket pardon every emotional criminal- their victims are countless. but at some point we are ALL a victim, and each of us a criminal. who can accuse? who can judge?
i think there are people who choose to hurt, or at least put their own interest ahead of another. for them the crime is more extensive, even more severe. but in the situation that led me to write what i did at the moment when i felt it, there was no one to blame, but everyone involved, and no one wished ill. everyone lost in that situation, i'm just the one who wrote about it.
i think the most emotional healthy thing i could say at this point, is that i don't wish it were different now. that i'm sitting here content with how it is- because that is how it cannot help but be. but for some reason, some helpless, pointless reason, there remains the nagging wish- that i could fix it still.
'hope is the thing with feathers' that makes us bash our heads against walls.
what will be will be. and we let it go, because there's nothing we could say. someday, years from now when i'm dead, there will be loads of word documents to prove this is true. until then :) we move on.

lifehouse, life & change

2008-01-15T00:26:00.000-05:00

"The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I’m an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing

With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
(I’m still holdin on) (I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

I’m hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’)(I’m holdin’ on)(I’m still holdin’) (I’m holdin’ on) (I’m still holdin’)
Barely holding on to you (I’m still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you"

this song is called 'Broken' its from Lifehouse. when i heard this song earlier today- perfectly encapsulating how i felt at that moment...there's something comforting about sad music, and you'd think it would be the other way around.

i haven't posted in awhile. the lure of online journals is being about to speak out about the most personal subjects, without ever having to face a live audience. it's a tempting prospect until you begin regurgitating the intensely personal topics you never wanted displayed for public perusal. but there you have it- we broadcast our private thoughts in spite of ourselves. which really only goes to show how horribly lonely we all are. not bad enough that we spend late night hours browsing pointless websites on the internet, but we must contribute something to the meaninglessness that can only be read by people we don't know and will never meet, and some unfortunate few who we do know and can only pity us. when that was never the point at all. which begs the question what is the point? but maybe we like that there isn't one. like complaining about a bad day- we don't want anyone to fix it, only to know that it was bad, and hope that tomorrow is better. it's enough to know that it's out there- to know that someone knew.

i'm sitting in the apartment freezing. i could close the window, but i need the air. so instead of taking action against the cold i just sit on my feet. on my way home from work i was thinking about life. wondering how many people have tried to define it. i think that everything that anyone has ever said about life is true- even those statements which would seem to contradict each other. life is hard, life is sweet. life is unpredictable, life is the same thing over and over. life is too short, i think this one is only contradicted by the assertion that life is hard, if life is hard why would we mind it being short? so on and so forth.

i think life is undefinable. there is no point to trying. you could do the same thing everyday of your life from now until the day you die, and looking back on it you will have had a billion different experiences and emotions along the way. we take it all so seriously, i know i do. i'm thinking about stopping- because it doesn't get me anywhere. i expend so much time an energy thinking about living it takes so much away from it. i'm 24 years old, and it feels like i've been 3 different people during my life. the years and experiences change you, for the better, for the worse, and sometimes it's just different. i have no strong feelings about changing any more, change occurs- whether i welcome it or not, it will happen and keep happening. i love the line "change is a constant" the only thing you can count on- that time will take what you love, change what you knew, and keep throwing new things down for you. i wish i was good at adapting...a life skill i have yet to master. i AM getting to the point where it doesn't affect me as much. not to say i'm apathetic, but less emotional about it. it sucks, but there it is. and we move on to the next thing. i'm sitting in a studio apartment in st. petersburg florida writing about 'change'...how ironic. everything changes.

things left unsaid

2007-12-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

yesterday, was the 9 month anniversary of mom's death. had she lived past april, she would have turned 53 this sunday. and so i find myself caught between 2 significant dates in time- and missing her terribly.
words cannot express, and i so desperately want to say something. but i'm not sure what it is, and i don't know how to start. there are some things too difficult to explain and too much to think about, so we just let them go by without even trying.
during the plane ride home in april, i was so numb. sometimes, when you have too much emotional traffic- it's impossible for anything to get through. nothing has the opportunity to resonate when it can't reach you. there i was in midair- between home and school, between before and after- unreachable. i put my computer under the seat in front of me and held a pen and journal in my lap. and eventhough i knew there were things i wanted to write, i couldn't. i was incapable. my whole life i have dearly loved to write, about everything and nothing. and for the first time i had something significant to write and i couldn't think what it was.
i knew there were things i wanted to say to her, and there was a sense of urgency about it. if i don't say it now, she'll never know, and that knowledge will die with her- lost forever.
i had a week with mom. and all the things i wanted to say- i couldn't. i had 23 years with her, and one week preparing myself to lose her, and the only thing i could say was "i love you". i said it over and over again. in the end it was the only thing that mattered. the only thing that i needed her to take with her, was knowing that i loved her, and that was enough.
i remember telling allison that i needed more time. it seemed so reasonable a request. why not just a little longer? just a little bit longer. because i wasn't ready yet. and allison said "there will never be enough, you'll always want more."
that last week, it was like being on a collision course. my life up to that point charging full speed into the great barrier of harsh reality, that would eventually divide life with mom and life without her. me then from me now. everything changes.
i remember pleading with God- if there was ever something in my life i could skip over, just one thing i didn't have to do, please God, don't let me bury my mother. that day was inevitable. mom had been sick on and off for 9 years- that's 9 years of dealing with cancer, 9 years trying not to dwell upon what you can't help but think about. i pictured her funeral, her death, maybe a million times- and it was nothing i imagined. people have since said to me- "at least you knew it was coming, you could prepare" and i understand their reasoning. my mother wasn't taken from me in a freak accident. she wasn't killed by a plane or car. i knew it was happening- but it still took me by surprise. you can't possibly be ready for something you think will never happen. i knew she was dying. i sat there with a hospice nurse explaining what would happen- the process of death. it seemed so unreal. she said we had to let her go. we had to tell her it was ok to die. and i told her it was ok to miss my graduation, 2 weeks before she had sat on the sofa in our family room and i had said "mom, it's really ok with me, if you don't feel up to coming to my graduation" and she said "julie, i wouldn't miss it for the world" and 2 weeks later, she's laying in a hospital bed where the sofa in the family room used to be, and i'm saying "mom it's ok for you to miss my graduation, because i know you wanted to be there, but i love you and it's ok." and she said "julie, i'm not going to make it" and i told her it was ok, that i'd be ok. so why was i still surprised when she wasn't there? it wasn't ok.
i still miss her. i'll always miss her. maybe missing her is the new constant. before, i thought she'd always be there. now, i know she never will be there again. i look ahead, it's all uncharted territory. i never pictured my life without mom in it. i don't know what to do now. i don't know where to go. i never got this far. the story isn't finished. i've reached a climax and there's nothing on the other side- where do we go from here? what do i do? i want advice...but the very person i would ask is the reason i need it so desperately. she's not here. she'll never be here again. i go through my day now and tell myself that. "she's not here. she's not here." i have to remember she's gone, because i hate when i forget. i'll be at work and say something mindlessly about her, only the looks on other people's faces remind me that i've slipped up. i used present tense, or i talked about my parents in the plural. i had parents once, i had two. there was a mom & a dad- there was a family. it doesn't work without her. it's not the same.

i want her to know how much i miss her, without making her sad. i want to tell people i'm falling apart- without them fearing for my mental stability. i want to say i'm not ok when people ask me- b/c that's the truth. "how are you?" "i'm not ok" it's honest- fine sounds shallow now. never despised 'hey, how are you?' until now, now when the only answer i have is the one that no one wants to hear. i know i will be ok. eventually, one day it will be ok. i'm just waiting- i'm waiting for that day. until then i wish they wouldn't ask me. b/c i keep feeding them the lie they want to hear. it's not ok to lose you mom. it's never ok. but it's good to feel this way- i'd rather feel this than nothing. i'd rather feel suffocated by emotion than devoid of it. i prefer this feeling to the one i felt on the plane going home...at least now i know how i feel. and that's the only thing i know anymore. that it hurts without her, and i'm lost without her. but the pain i feel assures me that i'm normal- that i loved my mother, that i always will. and that i miss her like anyone would. it hurts, and i love her. that's all that matters. it's enough. and it'll be ok.

lost

2007-05-27T12:51:00.001-04:00

the sun blasts a soul apart-
crumbling down,
the amber ashes of a battle-scarred heart.
when the quiet of the night
becomes a scene,
left for waking hours, and tear-stained dreams.
buried neck-deep in the mess,
once seen, having never left-
to replay over in the night, endlessly.
only waking to find, one never really sleeps
once one has died. and no one
can close these empty eyes filled to the brim
with satan's spies, who steal the peace
God promised from the start.
No friend to be found in the benign moon shining down
on sunburned, light-forsaken me...
shattering under the implications of "we"
that now is only "I"
This "I" fights the urge to die as well...
for the soul loses what is lost,
but never leaves it behind.
Limbo becomes the faceless friend of wandering men,
trying to mend. Caught in between death
too early and a life too long:
Let pity not mourn those who are gone,
but only those who remain.
For in the sigh of night, that stirring,
screaming, quiet fright-
one must fear the landscape of a lonely plight
laid out behind and before
the closing of a coffin door.
without a sound, I relinquish all our days
to this long empty night-
nights that once WE loved, but now abhor
the feeling lost with them
behind this cold, dark door.

perspective

2007-04-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

i had a dream today that i grew wings and flew away
i saw the world from a new perspective
and i felt myself become disconnected
from what i knew i felt, and what i saw
and i saw beauty in it all.
and i saw the pain of a million people rise up in one
to make something beautiful.
and i saw a hand holding the world,
spinning it round with a simple word.
and i saw His feet spanning the galaxies
and my mind couldn't grasp just how small i was.
and i could feel the pain tearing through my chest
sink down inside me, becoming less and less.
and i knew it was there this horrible hurt i felt
but it was His pain too and how much more He groaned
for pain that i myself had never known,
and might never know because He hid it from me
(it was the agony He wanted no one to see).
and my heart was filled with inexpressible grief
coming from joy that longed to give Him relief.
but as He turned to me i hid in shame,
it was for me He took on all of my pain.
and i wanted to cry for the chasm inside
and i saw the world in His hand,
turning because of His greater plan.
and my soul felt blasted apart by the thought:
that He did it all for me and i hated Him for it.
but how could i hate Him for trying to make me understand
that He knew me, He loved me, He was holding my hand?
and every one of His words were spoken for me, and for you,
and for everyone who never knew and never wanted to believe:
that He was there, and that He cared, and there was no mystery.
what can i say to Him that might condemn
the Lord of all creation?
the Rock who provides me shelter- is the God of all the weather.
and with Him i will sit out this storm.
i had a dream today that i grew wings and flew away
i saw the world from a new perspective
and i felt myself become disconnected
from what i knew i felt and what i saw
and i saw beauty in it all.

adopted

2007-02-05T23:16:00.000-05:00

over and over in scripture, God's Word is compared to water (streams of living water, a wellspring of life, etc.) longing for God's word is a thrist that must be quenched. God's wisdom is something that a Christian can't survive long without. for the past while, long while really- i've been going without it. i thought i was doing fine, but i wasn't at all. it's amazing how easy i deceived myself.
but this week it became very clear how desperately i needed wisdom, guidance, comfort. i needed it, i needed it like nothing else- nothing else is a better comparison than the one that is already used in scripture. i was thirsty, i needed water.

i'm not condoning skipping your devotions for long periods of time, however i have noticed that every time i come back to it, it is sweeter still. it surprises and awes me. i am fascinated by the same verses i have read so often before- but they are new to me all over again, it's like i see them for the first time. the truth grabs me and won't let me go. and it is in one such moment, when i am captivated by His simple, overwhelming truth that i wonder: why would i ever go without it for so long?

Two days ago I read I John 3:

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be
called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not
know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God,
and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he
appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is" (v. 1-2).

When i read that, immediately the words that Ida Reed wrote came to my mind (i love that songs i grew up singing have never left me, and it makes me really happy that i grew up in a musical home)

"I belong to the King; I’m a child of His love,
And he never forsaketh
His own.
He will call me some day to His palace above;
I shall dwell by
His glorified throne.

I belong to the King, and He loves me I know,
For His mercy and kindness so free
Are unceasingly mine wheresoever I go,
And my Refuge unfailing is He."

how awesome is it to be able to lay claim to being a child of GOD. i am a child of the KING, the king of every nation (both earthly and heavenly) that has ever been and will ever be, the creator of the universe (the portion we can see and the parts left undiscovered). to know that such a God exists is powerful, but understanding that such a God knows that WE exist- that's marvelous. he calls me his own- and He never forsakes what He calls His own. wherever i go, whatever i do, no matter how far i run or how low i stoop- He is my Father. my PERFECT Father who loves me with PERFECT love (patient, kind, self-sacrificing, un-yeilding, fearless, boundless and complete). He loves me because i come from Him, because He made me like Him. because He made me FOR HIM.

i am not alone. my life is not pointless. i have purpose, and the universe around me has a purpose. everything i do reflects on my Father, everything my Father does is for the benefit of His children. i am connected to every other person on the planet (whether they realize it or not, like it or not, want it or not, believe like me or not) because every other person on the planet belongs to God too. He made them to be like Him and He made them with a purpose, and He loves them perfectly.

me understanding that God is my Father does nothing to change WHO God is, or WHAT He is. God is God no matter what i believe. because the truth is truth whether we accept it or reject it. the earth was round long before humanity accepted it as such. genes existed before science discovered them. the expanse of space was never-ending before NASA spent billions to find out where it ended. whether the world believes in God or not, does not make Him any more or less of what He always has been. that's the best thing about living in a world of absolute truth- knowing that there is such a thing as TRUTH. the facts of life are undeniable and unchanging and the more we lie or distort or simply confuse the truth, we still can't change it. God is truth. and the truth is He loves me, loves me enough to call me His own.

i am a child of God. how awesome, how wonderful is the overwhelming love that he pulls us into- that He should even deem us worthy enough to claim us as His children. and because He declared us His own it cannot be denied, it is certain. those who will deny it only do so because they cannot understand it. but it is so. and while we who accept it can't even fully comprehend it, we will understand when He comes again and claims us as His own publicly in front of the world- so that they will see and believe. and we too will see and believe- we will see God, and we will know Him exactly as He is.

renovations

2006-11-06T00:03:00.000-05:00

i am a work in progress.

it's like a house during a remodel. if you've ever been inside a house when it was undergoing a massive overhaul, you can picture this well. but you don't really have a glimpse of the frustration of the mess of a remodel UNTIL you have had to live in it. at first, there are a few things you'd like to change, then you start pulling a few things out and switching some other things around and you un-earth some more problems that need fixing, then your contractor comes up with a brilliant idea ("picture this" kind of thing)...a couple months later, the ok house you started out with is now a complete disaster area surrounded by yellow tape and there are cranes and a forklift in the front yard and the plumbing doesn't work and there's a wall missing, and you're thinking "what the heck happened?", "what if they can't fix it all?", "what if it doesn't get finished or doesn't turn out right?"

this is my life right now. i'm standing here looking at this huge mess and asking "why God? what are you doing to me?"
He's gutting me, and ripping things out and moving things around and i'm saying "no, put that back, i liked it there!" and "why are you messing with that? it's fine!" and i don't know how it's all going to work out and i'm scared. where is He taking me? what is He doing? what is His plan? i thought i was doing ok and there were just a few things that needed tweaking and NOW- i'm a mess, and my life is a battlefield, and i can't live in it anymore!

but is this not the God who promised me that He loved me more than anything else, loves me with a never-ending love? does He not see me exactly as i am- and His picture of me is the right picture (not distorted- but real, true, gritty and gross- just as i am)?

does He not promise that He will carry every good work in my life out to completion? He won't start a process and not finish it. He won't begin to refine me and leave me before i'm done.

God is the Divine Architect and Master Builder of my life. but He has promised me (in a contract that He cannot default on) that He will finish the job in me. He will never walk away from my work site. i serve a God who knows no lunch break.

some will cringe when i say that because it sounds like i'm comparing the God of the universe to a blue-collar worker- BUT don't i already do that, every time i question what He's doing in my life!? i question His integrity because Satan tries to convince me that God is no better than a Union employee (who can and will walk off the job without warning if and when he feels like it)

THAT IS NOT GOD.

God NEVER leaves me or forsakes me.

He is the Potter and i am the clay. His way is perfect. who am i to question Him? He has begun a good work in me and i am (once again) fighting Him! i am standing in the middle of the massive overhaul that is my life and telling the Master of the Universe to "put this here" and "leave that alone" and it is not my life to direct, not my prerogative to say. i have no wisdom of my own- all that i have is only what He, in His benevolence, gives me. when He has tried and tested and finished his work in my life, i will come forth as gold. and this house- that is a disaster right now, has not been abandoned. but the Master Builder, who works everything out on His perfect blue print and according to His perfect time-table, will finish this house and it will be something beautiful. so much better than it was before, and i will look at it and see everything that is perfect in it and look back and be ashamed when i see how i would have done it differently had i had the chance and how much WORSE it would have been by comparison. and i will see that He really did know what He was doing all along and i will curse my impatience with Him. because i tried to rush the hand of the Divine Architect building a MASTERPIECE.

so let me never forget- even though i will forget, but i shouldn't and woe to me for being so fickle, that God could show me this revelation and i not learn it by heart and adopt it, so that the next time i struggle i remember- God is good all the time, and He knows what He's doing. but i can say this, knowing it to be true, having seen Him at work in my life, writing it down for others to adopt and follow- and turn around an live my life with the doubts that come from one who is NOT trusting, not even close!

"i waited patiently till dawn,
but like a lion He broke all my bones;
day and night You made an end of me.
i cried like a swift or thrush,
i moaned like a mourning dove.
my eyes grew weak as i looked to the heavens.
i am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!
But what can i say?
He has spoken to me, and He himself has done this.
i will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.
Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health and let me live.
Surely it was for MY BENEFIT that i suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept mefrom the pit of destruction;
You have put all my sins behind Your back."
Isaiah 38:13-17
"Who am I, that the Lord of all the Earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? Who am I, that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way for my ever-wandering heart? Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done! Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are! I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed on the ocean, a vapor in the wind. STILL, You hear me when i'm calling, Lord, You catch me when I'm falling. You've told me who I am--I am YOURS." --Casting Crowns

no regrets

2006-10-21T12:51:00.000-04:00

it's very easy for me to look at life, every friendship, relationship, circumstance and situation and point out exactly what i would've liked to have gone differently. just like, it's all too simple for me, while laying in bed at night listening to my roommate talk with her boyfriend on the phone, to feel slightly left out, and put off and think "why not me?" or "when's my turn?"

especially with relationships or (in my case) would-have-been relationships, this is the area of my thought-life in which i fail the most to be content with what God has for me. it's funny, i don't even know what i want, but i'm upset with God for not giving it to me- right now.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about you life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying, can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was not dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:25-33

when i look at my friendships, i can step outside my thoughts and see exactly how He, in his infinite wisdom has worked everything out in His perfect design for my life. and i could say i wish i still talked to this person and i wish that thing had never happened, but it did happen, and you lose touch with people over the course of time, and some people leave suddenly- and it's not always someone's fault, and the more i pray for God to give me peace to accept what i cannot help, the more He teaches me that He orchestrates every mistake, every remark, action and reaction (even the negative ones) to bring about what He has for me. so while part of me is still trying to find the reason that the friendship or relationship is over and will never again be what it was (or what i wanted it to become), the other part of me can see God saying "this is how it is, and should be."

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30a

why do i box with God concerning His plans for my life, when i can only see me, and so much of my life is not about me?

and i make these irrational plans for myself, based on what i'm feeling with my finite little heart, and the God from Psalm 139, who created me, and knew me before i was anything, and planned out every day of my life, from the first second i was created to the last moment of my existence and everything in between that i can't even comprehend, and i'm angry with Him for it!

i hate Him, and i argue with Him, and i fight against Him with every fiber of my being. and i say to Him, "i won't read your Word today." (the Word you gave me to promise me that you loved me, so that on days like these i wouldn't be discouraged) but i like the discouragement i feel, and i crave it, because it makes me feel powerful, even if the only power i have is to cause myself more pain. and i'm afraid and alone, and i compare myself to other people, and pretend that He loves them more than He loves me. and i lash out at Him (my Rock, my Strength, my Fortress, my High Tower, my Redeemer, my King, and the best Friend i will ever have) because i want friendships/relationships that cannot even compare to Him, and i want them just the same- maybe because they represent to me, something apart from Him, and that is tantalizing to me.

Oh what a wretched soul i am, that i can see the glory of His face, know the peace that comes when i walk with Him, and feel the joy that floods my soul when i accept the contentment that He offers me, and reject Him, and by rejecting Him i reject IT (the truth that i don't have to be afraid or depressed or angry in this life, this life that i have to live apart from Him until He comes to take me away to the real life i was intended for).

AND SO MY BIGGEST REGRET becomes all the regrets i have- that i shouldn't have.

Because regret is simply: all the negative feelings i have in response to all the positive things God has done in my life.

How stupid, petty, naive am i, that i should choose to be angry with my Father for holding me back from placing my hand on a hot stove? and then how ungrateful and melancholy it makes me to see the stove (knowing it's hot) and abuse my Father for saving me from it, for refusing me something that in my impotence i wanted, and in my ignorance i still desire?

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Luke 11:11-13

prelude

2006-09-24T15:57:00.002-04:00

my mom has cancer. in 1998, she was lying in bed talking to my older sister when she found a lump on her right breast. a couple weeks later my dad brought her home from the doctor's office- that was the first time i heard the word "cancer" spoken in our home when we weren't talking about someone else. it was personal then.

living with cancer in your home is an interesting proposition. i think back on myself then, and i don't recognize that person. cancer pushes your boundaries in every way possible. the sensitive person you may have started out with vanishes within the first year. he/she is replaced with a tough outer shell of what you once were. like a nut with no meat. needles, blood, bodily fluid, vomit- disgusting takes on a littany of everyday forms that pass before your eyes and nothing bothers you after awhile. the first time i walked into a clinic with mom for chemotherapy, i looked around and saw all these "patients" obviously sick people, mostly older, in wheel chairs, without hair, wrapped in blankets hooked up to IV poles and staring dully at the ceiling or tile or us. mom wasn't one of these people. what a stark difference from a month ago when i wheeled mom into the same clinic, seemingly same faces and realized we had arrived. we were one.

nine years happen. that's all, they just go by. makes you wish you had counted up how many bouquets of flowers one houshold could get in a decade. it's a different feeling from '98, i was in high school then, now i'm graduating college. and as a kid with a parent with cancer- you plan the funeral a million times over in your head, you just can't help it. no telling how many times one person can die in a year...multiply that by however many years your parent has survived and you get an equation for our lives. the life of any child who has to wonder what their wedding day will be like without their mother there, or how they'll find their first car, first job and first apartment without dad. if you've never had to wonder you would never understand. and once you've been there, you never forget.

every phone call i get from home, i wonder if today isn't the day. and every time that thought brings with it pain and some form of relief. because that one big pain would possibly bring an end to perpetual pain- the pain of a life lived between MRI's. and that's a good thought for me. it's hope for us all. because we speak of cures and treatments, but we have no faith, no assurance they will work, if they even exist at all. i run the Race for the Cure every year- but not because i think the money collected will fund some type of miracle drug that could help my mother in her lifetime, but because i get to see about a million daughters just like me, holding pictures of their mothers just like i am- and missing them. i run purely for the sense of solidarity i find in a flood of pink t-shirts and tennis shoes, and because my mom always had fun doing it too, when she could, when her health wasn't so bad.

if that before was a prelude to everything else that will come after (whatever that may be) now i come to my point:
at the end of the day, the only thing that keeps me sane, is the knowledge that there is a purpose in all this seeming madness. in the midst of one pain piled up on top of another and flipped around upside down with no end or reason in sight- the hope i have is found in Christ.

i know he has a purpose for me and my mom. in his perfect love, he wants what is best for me, in his perfect wisdom he knows what is best for my life, and in his sovereign power he has the strength to carry it out.

"Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments and his paths beyond tracing out? Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things." Romans 11:33-36

and i wish i could tell you that i always handle things well, that i never give up, that i never doubt, never fall apart, never lose hope...but that would be a lie. and lies have done nothing for the greater good of mankind, lies can only bury the bad, they have no power to cure it. and instead of sitting here and pouring a bottle of perfume on top of a pile of poo...i'm just going to be honest. because honesty and truth are the best and only things i have to offer anyone.
the truth is it hurts. my faith in Christ is not a "Get out of Suffering" free-card. Anyone who tells you their god, religion or faith has the answer to life's pain is trying to sell you a load of bull. But they will try nonetheless because the fact is that pain makes people desperate, and desperate hurting people are most often the most gullible in the room. Because there's always going to be someone out there hurting, hurting so deeply it's hard to get out of the bed in the morning. And there are people who will take advantage of your suffering and tell you- you shouldn't have to suffer. They'll say life shouldn't be this hard, and everything will come up roses and bad things shouldn't happen to good people. But the Bible tells me that my God is a God of not just the hills, but also the valleys. I Kings 20:28

He does not promise me an easy life:

"...and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disiplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our
fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disiplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:1b-11

But he does promise grace and strength to get me through the inevitable hard times in my life:

"For we do not have a high priest [God] who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the thrown of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

In closing my first post- which is inevitably the longest. i just want to say that this is not meant to be a discipleship site for those who do not already believe in Jesus Christ, but rather, it is meant to encourage the body of Christ, just as others in the body have encouraged me, and continue to encourage me. There is not a day goes by that i do not feel the need for encouragement from fellow believers. If you have questions or comments or encouragement that you have received that you would like to share, Please email me, or post a comment so that you can share them with others and in that way perpetuate the strengthening and edifying work of Christ. Until then,