were i to usurp the will of God...

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead...For our boast is this: the testimony of our conscience that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God."
-2 Corinthians 1:8b-9, 12)

learning how to die daily...i wonder if Paul was ever able to master that. i can't imagine it's possible. because no matter how good intentioned we are, how sacrificial we may be, how dedicated we are to live for Christ, we are still human, sinful, selfish creatures.

i will always think of my life in terms of what i want, what i need, what i think would be good for me and for those whose lives i value as much as my own...MY friends, MY family. i am a selfish creature, my foremost concern is my happiness, my well-being, my plans for my future. i am a selfish being. i am a sinner.

dying to myself means allowing God to strip me of any illusions i had, and plans i had for my life. dying to myself means silently watching the mental image of how my life would be, implode. dying to myself means not interfering. dying to myself means letting go of the reigns.

control is an illusion. i never had control to begin with. if i could have kept mom from dying i would have. but it was beyond me. that decision was not mine to make. and those weeks leading up to the inevitability of that outcome were some of the most pathetic of my existence. life is not a car, it is a train. we are trains on a track, we cannot get off, we cannot shift our direction. it is fixed. we do not have control over our lives any more than we can control the weather. we cannot change the future any more than we can change the past.

i'm not arguing free will. i believe we have it. i believe what we choose matters. but i don't think it changes the outcome, i believe it changes the attitude. i lost my mom, God took her. and he was going to take her no matter what i said or thought or decided. he took her and i could let her go kicking and screaming or simply surrendering. the outcome did not change, either way she was gone, but my attitude changed, my outlook was affected.

the visual image of my life changed that day. the dreams i had, the memories i looked forward to, died with her. life goes on, i may get married, i may have children, but she will not be there. and the way i thought it was going to be doesn't exist anymore for me. it will never happen that way, my way. the wedding i wanted, the holidays i had planned, however indistinctly. God changed it. my plans are pointless. because God is planning what he wants for me.

dying to myself, means letting go of every mental image i had of my future...job, husband, family, ministry. dying to myself means laying down the desire for what i want. dying means letting my life go in order to live the life God has for me.

and when my spirit is crushed. when i am broken, i die to myself. when i see that person that i was sure God had for me marry someone else, and that mental picture implodes once more, i die to myself. when the ministry i thought God had for me suddenly shuts its door, when God chooses a different path for me than the one i had been preparing for, i die to myself.

dying to myself means having faith in what God has for me. wanting his future however unknown that might be, over what i had pictured for myself. i never realized i'd be forced to give up things that weren't inherently bad. what's so wrong with wanting someone, with imagining how your life would be with them? there was nothing evil about my plan for my life, but it was MY plan. i had to let it go and die again.

so every day, i see something i want and i don't fight for it. i let it go knowing that if it's what God wants, he will obtain it for me. i see events unfolding and i pray 'not my will but yours be done' because i don't know what the end will be. i am an instrument. i cannot play myself. i do not belong to myself. i am God's.

"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, TO SHOW THAT THE SURPASSING POWER BELONGS TO GOD AND NOT TO US. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed, perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:5-11, 16-18)

I Peter 1:6-9

"you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested GENUINENESS of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

going on 2 years, my major fear has been: what happens now?

mom's cancer is what originally tied me to Christ, it made me see God clearly, as clearly as i could see him with human eyes. it made me fear him the way i should have all along. why would her death make me doubt him now?

is he not the same God? does he not love and protect me the same? i couldn't be angry with him for taking her, when without him i could never have had her, never had appreciated her- without the God who gave me everything, i would've had nothing. how could i begin to blame him for taking back what was his originally, and only mine for a short time?

but i have a fear now- a real fear for myself where once i had faith. faith that was genuine, but i'm scared now. if i get over this, if i can move on and be whole again, trust him like i did, like i should- what happens when i lose dad, or allison? how do i survive THAT? when losing mom has almost killed me?

i could see it coming before, God gave us time, it wasn't enough...there's never ENOUGH. but i had mustered up every ounce of courage i had to be able to bear it--and losing her ripped me apart--I have nothing left, and still so much further to go. how do i move into the future, not knowing what it might hold, what he has planned? what happens when the next trial comes and i'm not 'ready', and i'm already vulnerable and scared and torn wide open- exposed. how do i hold together what has already been destroyed?

if this is just a chapter of my life, and it's time to turn the page, that's what scares me the most. it's like what Paul said, death would be easy, prefered. because i'd be with God now, i could bear that. to die would be gain when i feel this earth holds nothing for me. but he left me here and i must live, even when moving forward seems unfathomable...when every breath burns.

...how do i move on?

when i am faithless he is faithful, he won't let me go. i keep relying on my own strength to hold on to him, if my life, my soul is dependent on my grip on God, i'm doomed. praise the Lord his grip is unbreakable. for when i'm at my lowest his strength never falters. there is no good thing in me but in him lies all the strength and faith and hope and wisdom and righteousness that i could ever need--through him i have my being and through me he works his plan. i cannot stand but he holds me up, i cannot move but he guides me. be still my soul. my God watches over me with eyes that never sleep and he is faithful i don't need to fear.

i will move forward now, one day at a time, with only enough faith to know that when i have nothing in me- i have HIM, and he has EVERYTHING. Praise be to God!

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is INEXPRESSIBLE and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your FAITH: the salvation of your souls."