were i to usurp the will of God...
"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead...For our boast is this: the testimony of our conscience that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God."
-2 Corinthians 1:8b-9, 12)
learning how to die daily...i wonder if Paul was ever able to master that. i can't imagine it's possible. because no matter how good intentioned we are, how sacrificial we may be, how dedicated we are to live for Christ, we are still human, sinful, selfish creatures.
i will always think of my life in terms of what i want, what i need, what i think would be good for me and for those whose lives i value as much as my own...MY friends, MY family. i am a selfish creature, my foremost concern is my happiness, my well-being, my plans for my future. i am a selfish being. i am a sinner.
dying to myself means allowing God to strip me of any illusions i had, and plans i had for my life. dying to myself means silently watching the mental image of how my life would be, implode. dying to myself means not interfering. dying to myself means letting go of the reigns.
control is an illusion. i never had control to begin with. if i could have kept mom from dying i would have. but it was beyond me. that decision was not mine to make. and those weeks leading up to the inevitability of that outcome were some of the most pathetic of my existence. life is not a car, it is a train. we are trains on a track, we cannot get off, we cannot shift our direction. it is fixed. we do not have control over our lives any more than we can control the weather. we cannot change the future any more than we can change the past.
i'm not arguing free will. i believe we have it. i believe what we choose matters. but i don't think it changes the outcome, i believe it changes the attitude. i lost my mom, God took her. and he was going to take her no matter what i said or thought or decided. he took her and i could let her go kicking and screaming or simply surrendering. the outcome did not change, either way she was gone, but my attitude changed, my outlook was affected.
the visual image of my life changed that day. the dreams i had, the memories i looked forward to, died with her. life goes on, i may get married, i may have children, but she will not be there. and the way i thought it was going to be doesn't exist anymore for me. it will never happen that way, my way. the wedding i wanted, the holidays i had planned, however indistinctly. God changed it. my plans are pointless. because God is planning what he wants for me.
dying to myself, means letting go of every mental image i had of my future...job, husband, family, ministry. dying to myself means laying down the desire for what i want. dying means letting my life go in order to live the life God has for me.
and when my spirit is crushed. when i am broken, i die to myself. when i see that person that i was sure God had for me marry someone else, and that mental picture implodes once more, i die to myself. when the ministry i thought God had for me suddenly shuts its door, when God chooses a different path for me than the one i had been preparing for, i die to myself.
dying to myself means having faith in what God has for me. wanting his future however unknown that might be, over what i had pictured for myself. i never realized i'd be forced to give up things that weren't inherently bad. what's so wrong with wanting someone, with imagining how your life would be with them? there was nothing evil about my plan for my life, but it was MY plan. i had to let it go and die again.
so every day, i see something i want and i don't fight for it. i let it go knowing that if it's what God wants, he will obtain it for me. i see events unfolding and i pray 'not my will but yours be done' because i don't know what the end will be. i am an instrument. i cannot play myself. i do not belong to myself. i am God's.
"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, TO SHOW THAT THE SURPASSING POWER BELONGS TO GOD AND NOT TO US. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed, perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:5-11, 16-18)
-2 Corinthians 1:8b-9, 12)
learning how to die daily...i wonder if Paul was ever able to master that. i can't imagine it's possible. because no matter how good intentioned we are, how sacrificial we may be, how dedicated we are to live for Christ, we are still human, sinful, selfish creatures.
i will always think of my life in terms of what i want, what i need, what i think would be good for me and for those whose lives i value as much as my own...MY friends, MY family. i am a selfish creature, my foremost concern is my happiness, my well-being, my plans for my future. i am a selfish being. i am a sinner.
dying to myself means allowing God to strip me of any illusions i had, and plans i had for my life. dying to myself means silently watching the mental image of how my life would be, implode. dying to myself means not interfering. dying to myself means letting go of the reigns.
control is an illusion. i never had control to begin with. if i could have kept mom from dying i would have. but it was beyond me. that decision was not mine to make. and those weeks leading up to the inevitability of that outcome were some of the most pathetic of my existence. life is not a car, it is a train. we are trains on a track, we cannot get off, we cannot shift our direction. it is fixed. we do not have control over our lives any more than we can control the weather. we cannot change the future any more than we can change the past.
i'm not arguing free will. i believe we have it. i believe what we choose matters. but i don't think it changes the outcome, i believe it changes the attitude. i lost my mom, God took her. and he was going to take her no matter what i said or thought or decided. he took her and i could let her go kicking and screaming or simply surrendering. the outcome did not change, either way she was gone, but my attitude changed, my outlook was affected.
the visual image of my life changed that day. the dreams i had, the memories i looked forward to, died with her. life goes on, i may get married, i may have children, but she will not be there. and the way i thought it was going to be doesn't exist anymore for me. it will never happen that way, my way. the wedding i wanted, the holidays i had planned, however indistinctly. God changed it. my plans are pointless. because God is planning what he wants for me.
dying to myself, means letting go of every mental image i had of my future...job, husband, family, ministry. dying to myself means laying down the desire for what i want. dying means letting my life go in order to live the life God has for me.
and when my spirit is crushed. when i am broken, i die to myself. when i see that person that i was sure God had for me marry someone else, and that mental picture implodes once more, i die to myself. when the ministry i thought God had for me suddenly shuts its door, when God chooses a different path for me than the one i had been preparing for, i die to myself.
dying to myself means having faith in what God has for me. wanting his future however unknown that might be, over what i had pictured for myself. i never realized i'd be forced to give up things that weren't inherently bad. what's so wrong with wanting someone, with imagining how your life would be with them? there was nothing evil about my plan for my life, but it was MY plan. i had to let it go and die again.
so every day, i see something i want and i don't fight for it. i let it go knowing that if it's what God wants, he will obtain it for me. i see events unfolding and i pray 'not my will but yours be done' because i don't know what the end will be. i am an instrument. i cannot play myself. i do not belong to myself. i am God's.
"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, TO SHOW THAT THE SURPASSING POWER BELONGS TO GOD AND NOT TO US. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed, perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:5-11, 16-18)
posted by julie at 1:35 PM
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